David Blade's blog

A Companion

2010-01-12T08:44:00.000-08:00

Who can be defined as a companion? Someone, who resembles you with her habits, thoughts. Someone, who likes the same things as you. Someone, who trusts you and you trust her back. Someone, you've always known, and yet, never met. Someone, who has been by your side for only days, yet you cannot imagine the near future, and distant past without her. Or even a playful partner in bed?

My dear friend, a companion is all this, and much more…

I am a very strange person, I have many faces in many situations, I've done and said many bad and good things, yet I cannot say, that I'm a dishonest person. I've seen things which many haven't, both good and bad, both as a participant and as an outsider, yet I cannot call myself experienced. I am proud and willing to do the sacrifice necessary for others comfort. I am a gentleman and, sometimes, very rude. I am tolerant and, sometimes, impatient. You see, I have an ego of my own, yet I do not call myself an egoist.

I am all this, yet much more, which I cannot describe…

My companion, and I know that it has only been going for 4 weeks, but, I feel, that she is perfect. I have no idea how long it will last… what obstacles will there be in front of us to test our bond, but for now, for the very first time in my life, I may find the peace of an adult. Family, work, friends, her and myself… all in place, balanced.

She understands my emotions, the whys and the musts of my personality. She wants to know what others didn't care about. She wants to hear the words others didn't. She wants to know the thoughts others couldn't understand. She appreciates these things, and I know that I can say it, she loves me because of it.
It is truly wonderful. I don't want to talk about my feelings; THAT one word cannot always describe it. If anyone who reads this entry understands only half of my emotions knows, that it is not necessary to go into formalities.

Still I know one thing for sure… that she will understand every single emotional impact of it… and more…

Thank you, my beloved.

Realization

2009-12-10T05:29:00.000-08:00

“… the world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it…”

I’ve heard Rocky saying this like 6-8 times. I considered it as a very wise speech. That typical ‘good movie’ stuff. It is till today, that I finally understand it the way is was supposed to be understood at the first place.
I’ve never been a hard worker, never fought hard for anything except a relationship. I’ve never had reachable or realistic goals, I was a daydreamer. I never had to think about real life problems, my mother, as strong, independent, and determined as she is, always solved everything… alone.

I was, and in part, still am a man who lives only for the pleasures of life. I never wanted to think about anything which was complicated or hard to solve. I just shoved it away. I lived in my own world; full of games, friends, comfort, and ignorance and, of course, ego and pride. I was putting all my energies in unnecessary things. Don’t get me wrong, I still consider these things as important, but I see now, that I cannot live on like that. I cannot waist ALL my efforts in those things. There are much more important things then comfort and ego. I am a proud man, but I must not let pride and false dreams blind my vision. As the quote above says; life isn’t a daydream. I have to realize, that I am just another name on the list, that I am just another face in the crowd, that I am just another stranger on a bus…

Change is inevitable. We constantly change in one way or another. I didn’t say anything new now, did I? :) Still, there are changes that happen, due to situations in life (outside impulse), and some changes have other origins (inside impulse). I thought that the outside impulse was like letting go of you personality and becoming something that you are not. This is quite egoistic, I think; “The Portray of Myself.”
The world is a graveyard of dreams. Everyone has ambitions, but only few are strong enough to survive the beatings of reality and achieve the goal of their lives. People cannot blame anything else for failure then themselves, there is no “what if…” True, there are people who have better circumstances to start from, but the greatest men and women of our time have mostly started from scrap. You just need motivation, determination, the right attitude, discipline and to be mindful of each and every step you take.

There is no such thing as fate or destiny. You don’t have a yellow brick road ahead of you, you gotta make yourself one. Only and only then will God help you succeed. There are no accidents either, but it is up to us to make the most of them, whether good or bad. Some of us are blinded too much to even look beyond ourselves, like was I, or still am.

The time has come to get rid of my dippers, to wake up from my dreams and start my life in this world we all call home. I don’t like it, don’t like the idea of working, fighting, suffering, but that’s the way it is. I can run from it, but I cannot hide, eventually it will come after me, and I think it is better to give in now, then being chased all the time.

I have to stand in line, like everybody else does. I can never give up. I have to put duty ahead of pleasure. I have to let go of comfort, and work and study very hard. I have to grab motivation, and let go of ignorance. I have to let go of ego and introduce sacrifice. I have to let go of David Blade, so I can become a better Dávid Tomázy.

The Fall

2009-05-07T01:49:00.000-07:00

“Why do we fall? So we can pick ourselves up again.”

A truly marvelous quote! Yet, can it really be as powerful behind the words as is should be?

It is easy to say quotes with big power, words with deep meaning, and thoughts with great wisdom… when your star is shining even brighter than your eyes, when your head is full of ideas and plans, when your heart is driven by positive energy, when you feel ideal for any task and job. These are your moments; you are the perfect example for self-confidence, the best friend and the most passionate lover.

We all fall. No matter how old or what kind ‘a sex you are, you will and have fallen. At moments of depression and misery, have you ever heard voices echoing in hour head? Are you even willing to hear these voices if they call out for you? I guess not.

I think we all like torturing ourselves in these moments. Some do it fast, some slower, some can’t even get out of this state for the rest of their lives. You need support, that is clear, but you also need some time to kill yourself in peace.

And now comes character! When you are done with yourself you will have to make a decision. You either pick yourself up, or extend your vacation in your own darkness. And this is the state when quotes, words, and wisdom are needed. Still, these would all be useless unless YOU want things to change. It’s all down to you and you alone!

Rocky Balboa is my role model;
“It ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done!!!”

Fake Ego with Fake Pride

2009-04-16T09:26:00.000-07:00

It is time to end my silence once and for all! I haven't been writing regularly for some time and I haven't been writing comments on other people's blog, but that's not all; I've become in some way selfish, rude and sometimes a jerk! I've made promises I didn't keep, and wasn't the nice guy I used to be.

Let's start from the beginning! I've enjoyed the coolest and the most independent stage of my life - so far - in those 5 months I've spent in my rent. I got to know new people, and enjoyed respect from most of them, which I gladly returned. I had success in most of my classes and enjoyed myself. I had parties at my crib and the people who were there happily returned, because it was so good there. I got to know people from FEEK, who, in general, don't like people from the BTK, but I was an exception, and I didn't have to do anything to "earn" this, I just was myself. I could allow myself to get up after 10 am every day. I wasn't home much and my mom and grandma got used to not seeing me very often. I had money of my own, it wasn't much, but it was mine. I had little affairs with women, nothing serious - I wouldn’t have had enough time for a real relationship anyway. I could hang out with my friends 3 days a week without trouble and could still live the PTE life. I could play many hours on my laptop without being bothered, and drank as much as I wanted - not water. It was perfect. Then something happened... it all started with the beginning of the exam period.

I went home and spent some time resting. I got used to being at home and decided to leave my rent for I realized that it was too expensive. While I was at home, I had many arguments with my mom, we disagreed in nearly everything. I didn't want to do many things and was always complaining. I've spent very little time with my grandmother, I left her alone at many occasions and didn't pay much attention to her when she wanted to have a conversation with me. I was always busy. I said to myself that I just need time to get used to the conditions of being home again.

Then the second semester started. I was happy at the first couple of weeks. I didn't have to go to parties all the time and enjoyed getting up early to catch a bus to Pécs. My misunderstandings with my mom remaind, though, as well as my not carrying for my grandmother. I was very rude with them, to say the least, and I became to be rude with many other people, incuding the people at the university. I was arrogant, thinking that I was something special, that I didn't have to do this or that, and I didn't consider anything important, only my own comfort. FAKE EGO

I started to change in my private life, too. I was longing for a girlfriend, I tried to flirt with nearly every girl, just to catch attention. I didn't succeed, of course. I started to smile less, and enjoy myself less, than before, even with my friends. I sometimes didn't laugh, because I thought it would be uncool in that situation. I didn't manage to enjoy myself the way I had before, because I considerd it not fitting to my stlye. FAKE PRIDE

The last drop came last Sunday. We were at my girlfriends house (We started dating from the 20th of March). So, we were playing activity, a fun game, but I didn't laugh much, yet, the others were having a great time, and I could feel that my attitude was disturbing them a bit. I don't know the exact reason for my behavior. It could be many things, my girlfriend not hugging me enough, or that I missed my brother and 2 other friends, or I don't know what. I came to think that it was the other's fault, that I didn't have fun.

On my way home, I was looking out of the taxi window and was in deep meditation. And then I realized, that it is not the world that has changed, it is me. I was now looking in front of me with an astonished face. "I have changed? I have become the main reason of my own misery? Me? But, why? NO!!!" I nearly cried! I am happy and surprised that the others didn't notice this.

The next morning - Easter Monday - I was eating alone in the kitchen. I was thinking... I was thinking about my life and every event that has happened to me in the past year. I saw myself being rude to my granny, being rude to my mom, to other people, and single handedly taking away joy from myself. It was a huge shock! I started crying, only a couple of tears ran down my cheek, but it was enough for me to realize what I have become. Nothing bad in particular, but a terrible person compared to who I was.

Now here I am. My main aim with this entry is not to make up for my lack of writing this semester, not to show a bad example to anyone, not to make a fool of myself, by writing down what a prick I was, nor to apologize. I am writing these things down to make myself remember this period, to look back at it 10 years later and smile on what a little boy I was. Blessed with fake ego and fake pride.

PS. Sorry Joe, for making you read this much :D

My Friends

2009-03-19T13:10:00.000-07:00

I've always been dependent on my past. I sometimes just sit back and remember. I see a little boy and many other boys around him. They are making up games and enjoying the time they are together. There is no yesterday... there is no tomorrow... the time they spend together is like an everlasting today.

I can also see a playground as their headquarters. They are sitting around the swings. There are 3 swings and all are taken. The swing in the middle belongs to Dávid, the swing on the right side of the middle is in the possession of Bence. The left one is always someone else's property. There is a bench in front of the swings. Many people are seated there, but this sitting won't take long 'cause Gábor, Gergő and Dávid are already thinking of a game. And they have it! We are going to play ...

We've had so much fun! There were no others just us. We only moved in the Tömb and had no desire to go anywhere else. We were, and still are the closest friends. It is remarkable in this world that such a big bunch continued to remain friends over the years.

Times have changed! Friends came and some friends left. Still, the core group is together. I am proud of you guys! Some people only have 1 or 2 best friends. I am lucky to have 8 best friends by now. I cannot and will not put you in order... in my following entries I'm going to talk about each of you, and about those who have left our group, but will always remain our friends.

Back in Business

2009-02-14T02:43:00.001-08:00

How long has it been since I've first put foot in the oldest and richest university of Hungary, the PTE? Well, frankly, not so long ago! Last September, to be exact, but I'm not here to talk about that. I'm here to tell myself and everyone who is listening; I'm back in business!

I haven't been an active student since January the 5th. It was the date of my last exam. Since then I've been to the university once... for 10 minutes, but that was because I "got rid" of my index. I got so used to being at home that I've even decided to move home and leave my rent - so far, one of the toughest decisions of my life, which will have a post of its own.

On the second of February something happened. That old familiar feeling... I hated it... I welcomed it! As I was walking up the stairs of the enormous PTE building a cold chill went running down my back, my right knee trembled a little and I could feel warmth in my chest. These actions combined and made my lips form a smile... I was hurrying to my first class of the semester (English Literature and Culture I).

Since then, I've only went to classes with a smile... Wonderful, isn't it? :)

2009-01-17T01:20:00.000-08:00

Zsigmond László Bura 2004

2009-01-09T10:13:00.000-08:00

After my father died,
you were the first to arrive.
You brought happiness and laughter,
in our moments of disaster.

We were not related that was clear,
and I've called you "Lasi", in a tone all so dear.
I remember laughing together in many ways,
and you telling me about football games.
Soon, a friend is, what you've had become,
besides being my grandfather, that's 2-in-1.

It was a Saturday morning,
and my mother came home crying.
Grandmother and I were still in bed,
when she told us that you were dead.
Even after that I couldn’t cry.
Everyone questioned me, “Why?”
I was still waiting for your arrival, and it was at the burial,
when I realized that you’ve died.

I remember it all so clear,
At first I wasn’t standing to your coffin very near,
then I went closer without any fear.
It was an open coffin.
You weren’t the man you’ve once been,
and you weren’t in your natural position.
You were longing for air in depression.

Still I made a strange gesture…
my mouth turned to laughter.
Then I knew that you weren’t coming home,
and I wasn’t awaiting for your calling on the phone.

As the minutes passed I became more and more uneasy,
I was shaking and my breathing wasn’t easy.
By the time my mother wanted to leave,
I could hardly stand nor breathe.
“We will watch the Real Madrid game” – that’s what I said.
Stroking your cross and leaving you in your new bed.

I arrived home angry and mad!
I have yet again lost a Dad.
I rushed to my room and shut the door.
Cried… like I never did before…

You were loved and respected by all my friends,
and will be remembered, in all their heads
And as for me… what can I say?
I still feel your presence every day.

Tamás Tomázy 1994

2008-12-19T05:18:00.000-08:00

How long since the time you've gone,
and left my dear mother alone?
Tears were running down her cheeks I remember,
but I was too young to understand... I think it is better,
'cause my brother and sister,
whose heads were then in High School lecture.
Understanding every crying eye, including theirs,
for this was something of their biggest fears.

I can recall a mother shouting in pain,
It was the expression of losing a son in a day.
I can see my grandfather lifting me up,
and I know that it was his sorrowful tears,
which were dropping on me from above.

My sister was hugging me a couple of times,
and I could see everyone standing in lines.
They were all around me kissing and hugging,
while my mother was throwing a red rose into the open coffin.
My brother seemed calm and still,
yet everyone knew what he could feel.
It was silence, which is worse then every tear.

Losing a Father is tough.
Especially, when you're growing up.
I was 4 when it happened,
and it is until now,
that I feel abandoned.
Just one conversation, that's what I want,
and I would remember you with a happier heart.

Memorial

2008-12-19T04:35:00.000-08:00

This is a warning for all those, who are alive,
to never forget the people, who have died.
When the shadow of death calls,
there's no escape from it's claws...

Still, we fight for every breath we take,
whilst secretly we await our fate,
then we forget all that we know of hate,
and see before us an opened gate.

I seek no EOTW award,
I seek no favor from the Lord,
this Entry is to none other,
then to the memory of my Grandmother, 2 Grandfathers and Father...

Evaluation

2008-12-07T10:13:00.000-08:00

I don't know where I should start, from which part?
I'll just do it from the beginin', till the cheerful endin'.

I hooked up with PTE
the place where every face should be
at the beginin' I had some fear
but now, I enjoy every second here,
teachers are great and nobody is fake,
I visit classes from different stages,
but none was as gracious like Readin' and Writin'

I have to tell you first, that I expected the worst
it wasn't because of the class or you,
it was about me, what my fear was referring to
I don't or didn't like readin nor writin much
but new things have come in one heck of a bunch

The greatest part in the course is the blog,
which came as saving light from eternal fog.
I experienced pleasure in readin interestin entries,
and finally had the chance to write down my own stories.
my feelings and thoughts, that is what I write,
and I owe it all to this signin light.

I try to be as honest as I can,
and show what kind’a man I am.
the entry of the week title,
I’m glad I got it before honor.
I not saying that it would have won it,
Just, right then, it lost the chance for it

Joe has helped me in many things,
and I know that we will spend together many school days.
I wanna come back to this class and hope,
that everyone shares this vote...

On with The SHOW!!!!!!

2008-11-21T08:05:00.000-08:00

Empty spaces - what are we living for
Abandoned places - I guess we know the score
On and on
Does anybody know what we are looking for?

Another hero another mindless crime
Behind the curtain in the pantomime
Hold the line
Does anybody want to take it anymore?

The show must go on
The show must go on, yeah
Inside my heart is breaking
My make-up may be flaking
But my smile still stays on

Whatever happens I'll leave it all to chance
Another heartache, another failed romance
On and on
Does anybody know what we are living for?
I guess I'm learning
I must be warmer now
I'll soon be turning round the corner now
Outside the dawn is breaking
But inside in the dark I'm aching to be free

The show must go on
The show must go on - yeah
Ooh inside my heart is breaking
My make-up may be flaking
But my smile still stays on

Yeah, oh oh oh

My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies
Fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die
I can fly - my friends

The show must go on - yeah
The show must go on
I'll face it with a grin
I'm never giving in
On with the show

I'll top the bill
I'll overkill
I have to fight the will to carry on
On with the
On with the show

The show must go on, go on, go on, go on ...

The day after my grandfather died, I dreamed about this song. I knew the song, but didn't pay much attention to it because I wasn't the "only lyrics kinda guy". From that night on I started to concentrate only on lyrics.

My grandfather was the only male around me while growing up, because my father died when I was 4. So you can call him my second father. I loved him very much, and his death made me cry like never before.

After I dreamed about this song I instantly got it on MP3 for I had only owned it on tape. I listened to it, and honestly, it was very hard to hold my emotions back:) I listen to it when I'm low and it helps me to get some power.

The death of my grandfather was 4 years ago on the 20th of November... Since then, The Show Must Go On from Queen has become my favorite song, not only because of my grandfather, but because I have the feeling that it is about me.

Honor

2008-11-14T17:18:00.000-08:00

"They say, Japan was made by a sword. They say, that the old God's dipped a coral blade into the ocean, and when they pulled it out, four perfect drops fell back into the sea, and those drops became the islands of Japan. I say, Japan was made by a handful of brave men. Warriors willing to give their lives, for what has seems to become a forgotten word: HONOR..." - these are the starting thoughts of a film, which has shaped my personality the most, a film which I have seen many times, but still has a huge emotional impact on me every time I watch it, this film is... The Last Samurai.

How can we define Honor? I will try to observe it from 3 different aspects;
I. The Movie
II. The World of Today
III. Those, who TRY...

I.
The movie shows its intentions of what it is trying to say from the very beginning. Honor cannot be defined as a rule or anything else. It lives with us, in us. It is not a word, but a way of life, just like love... Honor is something more precious then human life itself. People who follow this code, have dedicated their lives and are willing to sacrifice it for this, as many would think, simple word.

It is about discipline and respect. Respect to your environment, and home. Respect to your loved ones and habits, but most importantly, respect to others, even to your enemies. Respect is not represented by only words, for a follower of this code says only what he must and knows that with each and every word he says he carries responsibility towards himself, and others. With your actions, however, you can say more than any other word, and with even your silence, you represent your values.
Defeat is unacceptable. On the battlefield you fall, but your life doesn't end in shame, but throughout your code and the way you have lived, you can close your eyes in peace, knowing that you died for what you believed in, and stood up for. The perfect death... to die with Honor.

II.
The movie says that today, Honor is a forgotten word. Is it? Or is it just silenced by policy and wealth, by people who care only about themselves, and don't even think abut others, not even once.

Honestly, I would like to believe that those claims are not true. In my opinion, Honor has become out of fashion. People show no respect towards each other, and favor their interests above anything else. Some show no respect even to themselves, and therefore become dishonest.

I am no one to judge, but if this is not the case, if the world we see hasn't become selfish and careless, then what?

III.
There are very few people out there who have dedicate their lives to the code of Honor, which can mean many different things to many individuals. There are few, or are they just in the pantomime?

Those who see some of these values and try to cope with them have a very hard life. Many people see them, but don't pay attention to them, because I know, that I am not the only one who saw the movie and was touched by it, still I can't find many other people thinking in a similar way. The movie didn't create this way of life, it has only showed it.

Honestly, those living with the code - as I named it - don't really want to make their voices heard, because who would wanna speak to ears, that cannot hear? Instead try to live their lives, as best as they can. Respect others, and themselves, and to not regret that, what they have said and done.

Still, things can get difficult, when you are declared a show-off. A dishonest person, who hides his face in a mask of arrogance and pride. Who has no heart and has no good will. Who cannot love and is a complete nobody, who thinks he is a somebody.

Who sometimes drops tears where nobody can see, who feels sorry for those who are in trouble and helps if possible. Who loves his friends like brothers and sacrifices himself without a word, so that they can have it easier. Who has something in him ready to be unleashed, not a soldier, but a warrior. Who says his prayers and asks for the same things every night; a new love, a new chance, a new world... a world in which the soul hasn't been replaced with the mind.

So you see it is hard :) Not too many people will read this entry, I guess. It is too long and the topic may not be of interests to everyone, but still I hope from the depths of my heart that some people will read and understand it, but yet again, I will not get too illusional and just keep on living my life like I did before.

I am in some way relaxed. I am happy that Baby on Board 2 - Father had won the "Entry of the Week" prize, because then, I won't have to listen to this entry in front of the whole class, 'cause I think that it would make an uncomfortable atmosphere arise.

Those who had the patience to read it, thank you. I hope I could give some advice or just make you spend some time and not be bored :)

Baby on Board 2 - Father

2008-11-09T12:05:00.001-08:00

She's gone! Rebeca is gone, and maybe for good. She and her family moved to England. The only chance of me seeing her is if I went to England myself. Which is easier sad than done. According to plan; I'm gonna go there for 1 month and stay with them and work. They say that if you can speak good English and stuff it is easier to get a well paid job. I'm planning to come home with a big stash of doe.

But enough of that and let's get back to the finishing part of Baby on Board. While Rebus was with us she grew to my heart, but only as a relative, but as a baby. I've been imagining myself as a father for some time saying that I would do this and that and say that and this, but it wasn't until now that I realized that I am far from being a GOOD Father. Making a baby is easy, even satisfying, and you don't have to pay much attention to it if it's there you just give food and shelter, some couple of tips for life and that's it. Well, if you think it is that easy then you are a fucking bad parent, or gonna be:D

Having a baby and helping him grow up isn't only responsibility, it is much more than that. You have to realize that each and every thing you do will affect the baby's life. With your actions you can make him a low-life, or a responsible adult. Now comes my problem; I do not have the proper wisdom and the right words to say, yet. It would take me another 10 years to be in perfect shape for this kinda thing. It is then till I have enough experience and intelligence to help my child and show the right path, to teach it manners, to be responsible, to do some kind of sport (I'd prefer football), to respect other people and to stand up for his rights, to be an honest person and to never do things in which he cannot be himself.

Uncomfortable Silence?

2008-10-31T18:05:00.000-07:00

I don't know whether I'm imagining this or it is true, but I got the feeling that some people don't, in particular, consider me friendly or think that I'm rude, or just a show off.

I got a hunch; small talk. It is true that I am not that small talk kind'a guy, for I'd rather sit and listen or not even pay attention, than to join in. This has a rather simple reason, avoiding a very unpleasant feeling, uncomfortable silence. I hate it. When you are through telling each other’s daily routine, then comes what? Ask the question: What are you doing this weekend? C'mon... :)

I enjoy silence. I believe that words are not always needed. I am a talker none the less, but I'd rather tell a couple of bad jokes or stories from my life, then express my physical condition or to share ideas of the weather forecast. You know, there are times, when silence can seem louder than any other scream...

I don't wanna be rude, nor offend anybody, please forgive me if I offend anyone with this, that would be my last intention. It is just that... maybe this whole entry has no reason, maybe I'm overreacting, or maybe I'm generalizing or God knows what? My point is: Is small talk good? Is it worth talking about everything, but still nothing? Or am I just talking stupid things?

any help... ?

Baby on Board

2008-10-31T17:39:00.000-07:00

My cousin and her husband went to London for 1 or 2 weeks (depending on how they feel). They asked my mother whether she would take care of their little baby, Rebeca. My mother immediately accepted this rather charming offer, 'cause she is a nurse and her job is to help babies to come to this world.

This all happened from last Friday till this Sunday. The first day was ... interesting. The baby was adorable. Rebus always smiles, even to strangers, but she especially laughs when I'm there, and I still haven't decided whether she is laughing with me, or on me. She doesn't really like it when I'm holding her, to be frank, she can't stand it. She would rather go to my granny than to stay with me, not to mention my mother. I think that Rebus thinks that my mom is her mom too. Strange, isn't it? She would crawl through the whole house just to get to her and make mom hold her. Once she tried to crawl after my mom when mommy was on the toilet. - ???

Well, whatever, I was home 'till Monday so I didn't have the chance to get into this baby thing, but by last Sunday she really liked me. She played with me, but still wouldn't let me hold her. Every time I tried holding her she would start making faces and nearly crying, then my mother takes her, Rebus looks at me, and smiles. Then my mother used to say: "laugh at David..." - she really starts laughing :D She is really making fun of me, but still, sooooooo cute:)

to be continued...

Nightmare

2008-10-17T20:48:00.000-07:00

It's been a loooong time since I've had a nightmare. I can't even recall it. I'm working right now... night shift... (I work at Pannon Hotel*** in Mohács as a receptionist). At night shifts I usually sleep for a couple of hours from 1 or 2 am till 5 am. The same system happened today, too, but at the end of my dream I started losing control... in my dream I had woken up and found a second receptionist with me - ????? - and he wasn't very friendly. We talked and some guests came to check in. When all of a sudden I sensed something strange... it was gettin darker and darker and I felt a certain evilness within that man. Ha became less and less human and the world around me was fading and I was very,very, very afraid. Then I woke up... at least I thought I had woken up... the dream continued (It seems it didn't wanna let me go). So in the second part of my dream I thought that I was awake. I tried to turn on the lights, but they wouldn't work. Electricity had disappeared, but only from places I was present at. I ran to the entrance and I opened the door... I could see people walking up and down and they were looking at me as if I were crazy or something for I was terrified and in panic. I wanted to run away, but I couldn't leave my post. I closed the door and tried the lights again. The lamp gave me only a minimum of light. That's when I saw that some plant was running down the walls of the whole hotel. I tried to turn on other lights (not only the one at the reception), but I didn't succeed. I remember me saying: "If I'm awake, then how is this happening?". I could feel the presence of the other "receptionist"... I could not see him, but I knew that he was the one behind all this. I ran to the door again (please note that I was screaming all the time and my heart was beating as fast as an express train). I opened it and saw the same people staring at me. I turned back and saw my college on a chopper... his face was pale and his eyes glowing red. He looked at me with a delighted smile and started his black chopper and began going towards me. I didn't run away... I have a philosophy of dying with dignity... I ran straight at him... I landed a punch in his face with my right hand, but I still got ran over, though. I woke up... this time for real... I was numb. I couldn't move, I just stared in front of me whilst feeling my heart beating up my chest from the inside... I got up and turned on the lights, and thank God they were working. I sat down and was still under the shock of this experience. Then I decided to read my e-mails and found Joe's letter and ... here I am... it is 6:22 am. I gonna be working till 4 pm, but I'm gonna carry this nightmare with me throughout the whole day... end

hmmmmmm

2008-10-17T20:23:00.000-07:00

This is the second blog I've made. Anyway, I can only make a new blog entry at the weekends. I will try to make meaningful entries and not tell you about my daily routine. Sorry for my lack of words... I've just woken up from a nightmare, which I haven't had for years. I'll tell you about it later...