Realization

“… the world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it…”

I’ve heard Rocky saying this like 6-8 times. I considered it as a very wise speech. That typical ‘good movie’ stuff. It is till today, that I finally understand it the way is was supposed to be understood at the first place.
I’ve never been a hard worker, never fought hard for anything except a relationship. I’ve never had reachable or realistic goals, I was a daydreamer. I never had to think about real life problems, my mother, as strong, independent, and determined as she is, always solved everything… alone.

I was, and in part, still am a man who lives only for the pleasures of life. I never wanted to think about anything which was complicated or hard to solve. I just shoved it away. I lived in my own world; full of games, friends, comfort, and ignorance and, of course, ego and pride. I was putting all my energies in unnecessary things. Don’t get me wrong, I still consider these things as important, but I see now, that I cannot live on like that. I cannot waist ALL my efforts in those things. There are much more important things then comfort and ego. I am a proud man, but I must not let pride and false dreams blind my vision. As the quote above says; life isn’t a daydream. I have to realize, that I am just another name on the list, that I am just another face in the crowd, that I am just another stranger on a bus…

Change is inevitable. We constantly change in one way or another. I didn’t say anything new now, did I? :) Still, there are changes that happen, due to situations in life (outside impulse), and some changes have other origins (inside impulse). I thought that the outside impulse was like letting go of you personality and becoming something that you are not. This is quite egoistic, I think; “The Portray of Myself.”
The world is a graveyard of dreams. Everyone has ambitions, but only few are strong enough to survive the beatings of reality and achieve the goal of their lives. People cannot blame anything else for failure then themselves, there is no “what if…” True, there are people who have better circumstances to start from, but the greatest men and women of our time have mostly started from scrap. You just need motivation, determination, the right attitude, discipline and to be mindful of each and every step you take.

There is no such thing as fate or destiny. You don’t have a yellow brick road ahead of you, you gotta make yourself one. Only and only then will God help you succeed. There are no accidents either, but it is up to us to make the most of them, whether good or bad. Some of us are blinded too much to even look beyond ourselves, like was I, or still am.

The time has come to get rid of my dippers, to wake up from my dreams and start my life in this world we all call home. I don’t like it, don’t like the idea of working, fighting, suffering, but that’s the way it is. I can run from it, but I cannot hide, eventually it will come after me, and I think it is better to give in now, then being chased all the time.

I have to stand in line, like everybody else does. I can never give up. I have to put duty ahead of pleasure. I have to let go of comfort, and work and study very hard. I have to grab motivation, and let go of ignorance. I have to let go of ego and introduce sacrifice. I have to let go of David Blade, so I can become a better Dávid Tomázy.

The Fall

“Why do we fall? So we can pick ourselves up again.”

A truly marvelous quote! Yet, can it really be as powerful behind the words as is should be?

It is easy to say quotes with big power, words with deep meaning, and thoughts with great wisdom… when your star is shining even brighter than your eyes, when your head is full of ideas and plans, when your heart is driven by positive energy, when you feel ideal for any task and job. These are your moments; you are the perfect example for self-confidence, the best friend and the most passionate lover.

We all fall. No matter how old or what kind ‘a sex you are, you will and have fallen. At moments of depression and misery, have you ever heard voices echoing in hour head? Are you even willing to hear these voices if they call out for you? I guess not.

I think we all like torturing ourselves in these moments. Some do it fast, some slower, some can’t even get out of this state for the rest of their lives. You need support, that is clear, but you also need some time to kill yourself in peace.

And now comes character! When you are done with yourself you will have to make a decision. You either pick yourself up, or extend your vacation in your own darkness. And this is the state when quotes, words, and wisdom are needed. Still, these would all be useless unless YOU want things to change. It’s all down to you and you alone!

Rocky Balboa is my role model;
“It ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done!!!”

Fake Ego with Fake Pride

It is time to end my silence once and for all! I haven't been writing regularly for some time and I haven't been writing comments on other people's blog, but that's not all; I've become in some way selfish, rude and sometimes a jerk! I've made promises I didn't keep, and wasn't the nice guy I used to be.

Let's start from the beginning! I've enjoyed the coolest and the most independent stage of my life - so far - in those 5 months I've spent in my rent. I got to know new people, and enjoyed respect from most of them, which I gladly returned. I had success in most of my classes and enjoyed myself. I had parties at my crib and the people who were there happily returned, because it was so good there. I got to know people from FEEK, who, in general, don't like people from the BTK, but I was an exception, and I didn't have to do anything to "earn" this, I just was myself. I could allow myself to get up after 10 am every day. I wasn't home much and my mom and grandma got used to not seeing me very often. I had money of my own, it wasn't much, but it was mine. I had little affairs with women, nothing serious - I wouldn’t have had enough time for a real relationship anyway. I could hang out with my friends 3 days a week without trouble and could still live the PTE life. I could play many hours on my laptop without being bothered, and drank as much as I wanted - not water. It was perfect. Then something happened... it all started with the beginning of the exam period.

I went home and spent some time resting. I got used to being at home and decided to leave my rent for I realized that it was too expensive. While I was at home, I had many arguments with my mom, we disagreed in nearly everything. I didn't want to do many things and was always complaining. I've spent very little time with my grandmother, I left her alone at many occasions and didn't pay much attention to her when she wanted to have a conversation with me. I was always busy. I said to myself that I just need time to get used to the conditions of being home again.

Then the second semester started. I was happy at the first couple of weeks. I didn't have to go to parties all the time and enjoyed getting up early to catch a bus to Pécs. My misunderstandings with my mom remaind, though, as well as my not carrying for my grandmother. I was very rude with them, to say the least, and I became to be rude with many other people, incuding the people at the university. I was arrogant, thinking that I was something special, that I didn't have to do this or that, and I didn't consider anything important, only my own comfort. FAKE EGO

I started to change in my private life, too. I was longing for a girlfriend, I tried to flirt with nearly every girl, just to catch attention. I didn't succeed, of course. I started to smile less, and enjoy myself less, than before, even with my friends. I sometimes didn't laugh, because I thought it would be uncool in that situation. I didn't manage to enjoy myself the way I had before, because I considerd it not fitting to my stlye. FAKE PRIDE

The last drop came last Sunday. We were at my girlfriends house (We started dating from the 20th of March). So, we were playing activity, a fun game, but I didn't laugh much, yet, the others were having a great time, and I could feel that my attitude was disturbing them a bit. I don't know the exact reason for my behavior. It could be many things, my girlfriend not hugging me enough, or that I missed my brother and 2 other friends, or I don't know what. I came to think that it was the other's fault, that I didn't have fun.

On my way home, I was looking out of the taxi window and was in deep meditation. And then I realized, that it is not the world that has changed, it is me. I was now looking in front of me with an astonished face. "I have changed? I have become the main reason of my own misery? Me? But, why? NO!!!" I nearly cried! I am happy and surprised that the others didn't notice this.

The next morning - Easter Monday - I was eating alone in the kitchen. I was thinking... I was thinking about my life and every event that has happened to me in the past year. I saw myself being rude to my granny, being rude to my mom, to other people, and single handedly taking away joy from myself. It was a huge shock! I started crying, only a couple of tears ran down my cheek, but it was enough for me to realize what I have become. Nothing bad in particular, but a terrible person compared to who I was.

Now here I am. My main aim with this entry is not to make up for my lack of writing this semester, not to show a bad example to anyone, not to make a fool of myself, by writing down what a prick I was, nor to apologize. I am writing these things down to make myself remember this period, to look back at it 10 years later and smile on what a little boy I was. Blessed with fake ego and fake pride.

PS. Sorry Joe, for making you read this much :D

My Friends

I've always been dependent on my past. I sometimes just sit back and remember. I see a little boy and many other boys around him. They are making up games and enjoying the time they are together. There is no yesterday... there is no tomorrow... the time they spend together is like an everlasting today.

I can also see a playground as their headquarters. They are sitting around the swings. There are 3 swings and all are taken. The swing in the middle belongs to Dávid, the swing on the right side of the middle is in the possession of Bence. The left one is always someone else's property. There is a bench in front of the swings. Many people are seated there, but this sitting won't take long 'cause Gábor, Gergő and Dávid are already thinking of a game. And they have it! We are going to play ...

We've had so much fun! There were no others just us. We only moved in the Tömb and had no desire to go anywhere else. We were, and still are the closest friends. It is remarkable in this world that such a big bunch continued to remain friends over the years.

Times have changed! Friends came and some friends left. Still, the core group is together. I am proud of you guys! Some people only have 1 or 2 best friends. I am lucky to have 8 best friends by now. I cannot and will not put you in order... in my following entries I'm going to talk about each of you, and about those who have left our group, but will always remain our friends.

Back in Business

How long has it been since I've first put foot in the oldest and richest university of Hungary, the PTE? Well, frankly, not so long ago! Last September, to be exact, but I'm not here to talk about that. I'm here to tell myself and everyone who is listening; I'm back in business!

I haven't been an active student since January the 5th. It was the date of my last exam. Since then I've been to the university once... for 10 minutes, but that was because I "got rid" of my index. I got so used to being at home that I've even decided to move home and leave my rent - so far, one of the toughest decisions of my life, which will have a post of its own.

On the second of February something happened. That old familiar feeling... I hated it... I welcomed it! As I was walking up the stairs of the enormous PTE building a cold chill went running down my back, my right knee trembled a little and I could feel warmth in my chest. These actions combined and made my lips form a smile... I was hurrying to my first class of the semester (English Literature and Culture I).

Since then, I've only went to classes with a smile... Wonderful, isn't it? :)

Zsigmond László Bura 2004

After my father died,
you were the first to arrive.
You brought happiness and laughter,
in our moments of disaster.

We were not related that was clear,
and I've called you "Lasi", in a tone all so dear.
I remember laughing together in many ways,
and you telling me about football games.
Soon, a friend is, what you've had become,
besides being my grandfather, that's 2-in-1.

It was a Saturday morning,
and my mother came home crying.
Grandmother and I were still in bed,
when she told us that you were dead.
Even after that I couldn’t cry.
Everyone questioned me, “Why?”
I was still waiting for your arrival, and it was at the burial,
when I realized that you’ve died.

I remember it all so clear,
At first I wasn’t standing to your coffin very near,
then I went closer without any fear.
It was an open coffin.
You weren’t the man you’ve once been,
and you weren’t in your natural position.
You were longing for air in depression.

Still I made a strange gesture…
my mouth turned to laughter.
Then I knew that you weren’t coming home,
and I wasn’t awaiting for your calling on the phone.

As the minutes passed I became more and more uneasy,
I was shaking and my breathing wasn’t easy.
By the time my mother wanted to leave,
I could hardly stand nor breathe.
“We will watch the Real Madrid game” – that’s what I said.
Stroking your cross and leaving you in your new bed.

I arrived home angry and mad!
I have yet again lost a Dad.
I rushed to my room and shut the door.
Cried… like I never did before…

You were loved and respected by all my friends,
and will be remembered, in all their heads
And as for me… what can I say?
I still feel your presence every day.