Fake Ego with Fake Pride

It is time to end my silence once and for all! I haven't been writing regularly for some time and I haven't been writing comments on other people's blog, but that's not all; I've become in some way selfish, rude and sometimes a jerk! I've made promises I didn't keep, and wasn't the nice guy I used to be.

Let's start from the beginning! I've enjoyed the coolest and the most independent stage of my life - so far - in those 5 months I've spent in my rent. I got to know new people, and enjoyed respect from most of them, which I gladly returned. I had success in most of my classes and enjoyed myself. I had parties at my crib and the people who were there happily returned, because it was so good there. I got to know people from FEEK, who, in general, don't like people from the BTK, but I was an exception, and I didn't have to do anything to "earn" this, I just was myself. I could allow myself to get up after 10 am every day. I wasn't home much and my mom and grandma got used to not seeing me very often. I had money of my own, it wasn't much, but it was mine. I had little affairs with women, nothing serious - I wouldn’t have had enough time for a real relationship anyway. I could hang out with my friends 3 days a week without trouble and could still live the PTE life. I could play many hours on my laptop without being bothered, and drank as much as I wanted - not water. It was perfect. Then something happened... it all started with the beginning of the exam period.

I went home and spent some time resting. I got used to being at home and decided to leave my rent for I realized that it was too expensive. While I was at home, I had many arguments with my mom, we disagreed in nearly everything. I didn't want to do many things and was always complaining. I've spent very little time with my grandmother, I left her alone at many occasions and didn't pay much attention to her when she wanted to have a conversation with me. I was always busy. I said to myself that I just need time to get used to the conditions of being home again.

Then the second semester started. I was happy at the first couple of weeks. I didn't have to go to parties all the time and enjoyed getting up early to catch a bus to Pécs. My misunderstandings with my mom remaind, though, as well as my not carrying for my grandmother. I was very rude with them, to say the least, and I became to be rude with many other people, incuding the people at the university. I was arrogant, thinking that I was something special, that I didn't have to do this or that, and I didn't consider anything important, only my own comfort. FAKE EGO

I started to change in my private life, too. I was longing for a girlfriend, I tried to flirt with nearly every girl, just to catch attention. I didn't succeed, of course. I started to smile less, and enjoy myself less, than before, even with my friends. I sometimes didn't laugh, because I thought it would be uncool in that situation. I didn't manage to enjoy myself the way I had before, because I considerd it not fitting to my stlye. FAKE PRIDE

The last drop came last Sunday. We were at my girlfriends house (We started dating from the 20th of March). So, we were playing activity, a fun game, but I didn't laugh much, yet, the others were having a great time, and I could feel that my attitude was disturbing them a bit. I don't know the exact reason for my behavior. It could be many things, my girlfriend not hugging me enough, or that I missed my brother and 2 other friends, or I don't know what. I came to think that it was the other's fault, that I didn't have fun.

On my way home, I was looking out of the taxi window and was in deep meditation. And then I realized, that it is not the world that has changed, it is me. I was now looking in front of me with an astonished face. "I have changed? I have become the main reason of my own misery? Me? But, why? NO!!!" I nearly cried! I am happy and surprised that the others didn't notice this.

The next morning - Easter Monday - I was eating alone in the kitchen. I was thinking... I was thinking about my life and every event that has happened to me in the past year. I saw myself being rude to my granny, being rude to my mom, to other people, and single handedly taking away joy from myself. It was a huge shock! I started crying, only a couple of tears ran down my cheek, but it was enough for me to realize what I have become. Nothing bad in particular, but a terrible person compared to who I was.

Now here I am. My main aim with this entry is not to make up for my lack of writing this semester, not to show a bad example to anyone, not to make a fool of myself, by writing down what a prick I was, nor to apologize. I am writing these things down to make myself remember this period, to look back at it 10 years later and smile on what a little boy I was. Blessed with fake ego and fake pride.

PS. Sorry Joe, for making you read this much :D