How long since the time you've gone,
and left my dear mother alone?
Tears were running down her cheeks I remember,
but I was too young to understand... I think it is better,
'cause my brother and sister,
whose heads were then in High School lecture.
Understanding every crying eye, including theirs,
for this was something of their biggest fears.
I can recall a mother shouting in pain,
It was the expression of losing a son in a day.
I can see my grandfather lifting me up,
and I know that it was his sorrowful tears,
which were dropping on me from above.
My sister was hugging me a couple of times,
and I could see everyone standing in lines.
They were all around me kissing and hugging,
while my mother was throwing a red rose into the open coffin.
My brother seemed calm and still,
yet everyone knew what he could feel.
It was silence, which is worse then every tear.
Losing a Father is tough.
Especially, when you're growing up.
I was 4 when it happened,
and it is until now,
that I feel abandoned.
Just one conversation, that's what I want,
and I would remember you with a happier heart.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Memorial
This is a warning for all those, who are alive,
to never forget the people, who have died.
When the shadow of death calls,
there's no escape from it's claws...
Still, we fight for every breath we take,
whilst secretly we await our fate,
then we forget all that we know of hate,
and see before us an opened gate.
I seek no EOTW award,
I seek no favor from the Lord,
this Entry is to none other,
then to the memory of my Grandmother, 2 Grandfathers and Father...
to never forget the people, who have died.
When the shadow of death calls,
there's no escape from it's claws...
Still, we fight for every breath we take,
whilst secretly we await our fate,
then we forget all that we know of hate,
and see before us an opened gate.
I seek no EOTW award,
I seek no favor from the Lord,
this Entry is to none other,
then to the memory of my Grandmother, 2 Grandfathers and Father...
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Evaluation
I don't know where I should start, from which part?
I'll just do it from the beginin', till the cheerful endin'.
I hooked up with PTE
the place where every face should be
at the beginin' I had some fear
but now, I enjoy every second here,
teachers are great and nobody is fake,
I visit classes from different stages,
but none was as gracious like Readin' and Writin'
I have to tell you first, that I expected the worst
it wasn't because of the class or you,
it was about me, what my fear was referring to
I don't or didn't like readin nor writin much
but new things have come in one heck of a bunch
The greatest part in the course is the blog,
which came as saving light from eternal fog.
I experienced pleasure in readin interestin entries,
and finally had the chance to write down my own stories.
my feelings and thoughts, that is what I write,
and I owe it all to this signin light.
I try to be as honest as I can,
and show what kind’a man I am.
the entry of the week title,
I’m glad I got it before honor.
I not saying that it would have won it,
Just, right then, it lost the chance for it
Joe has helped me in many things,
and I know that we will spend together many school days.
I wanna come back to this class and hope,
that everyone shares this vote...
I'll just do it from the beginin', till the cheerful endin'.
I hooked up with PTE
the place where every face should be
at the beginin' I had some fear
but now, I enjoy every second here,
teachers are great and nobody is fake,
I visit classes from different stages,
but none was as gracious like Readin' and Writin'
I have to tell you first, that I expected the worst
it wasn't because of the class or you,
it was about me, what my fear was referring to
I don't or didn't like readin nor writin much
but new things have come in one heck of a bunch
The greatest part in the course is the blog,
which came as saving light from eternal fog.
I experienced pleasure in readin interestin entries,
and finally had the chance to write down my own stories.
my feelings and thoughts, that is what I write,
and I owe it all to this signin light.
I try to be as honest as I can,
and show what kind’a man I am.
the entry of the week title,
I’m glad I got it before honor.
I not saying that it would have won it,
Just, right then, it lost the chance for it
Joe has helped me in many things,
and I know that we will spend together many school days.
I wanna come back to this class and hope,
that everyone shares this vote...
Friday, November 21, 2008
On with The SHOW!!!!!!
Empty spaces - what are we living for
Abandoned places - I guess we know the score
On and on
Does anybody know what we are looking for?
Another hero another mindless crime
Behind the curtain in the pantomime
Hold the line
Does anybody want to take it anymore?
The show must go on
The show must go on, yeah
Inside my heart is breaking
My make-up may be flaking
But my smile still stays on
Whatever happens I'll leave it all to chance
Another heartache, another failed romance
On and on
Does anybody know what we are living for?
I guess I'm learning
I must be warmer now
I'll soon be turning round the corner now
Outside the dawn is breaking
But inside in the dark I'm aching to be free
The show must go on
The show must go on - yeah
Ooh inside my heart is breaking
My make-up may be flaking
But my smile still stays on
Yeah, oh oh oh
My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies
Fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die
I can fly - my friends
The show must go on - yeah
The show must go on
I'll face it with a grin
I'm never giving in
On with the show
I'll top the bill
I'll overkill
I have to fight the will to carry on
On with the
On with the show
The show must go on, go on, go on, go on ...
The day after my grandfather died, I dreamed about this song. I knew the song, but didn't pay much attention to it because I wasn't the "only lyrics kinda guy". From that night on I started to concentrate only on lyrics.
My grandfather was the only male around me while growing up, because my father died when I was 4. So you can call him my second father. I loved him very much, and his death made me cry like never before.
After I dreamed about this song I instantly got it on MP3 for I had only owned it on tape. I listened to it, and honestly, it was very hard to hold my emotions back:) I listen to it when I'm low and it helps me to get some power.
The death of my grandfather was 4 years ago on the 20th of November... Since then, The Show Must Go On from Queen has become my favorite song, not only because of my grandfather, but because I have the feeling that it is about me.
Abandoned places - I guess we know the score
On and on
Does anybody know what we are looking for?
Another hero another mindless crime
Behind the curtain in the pantomime
Hold the line
Does anybody want to take it anymore?
The show must go on
The show must go on, yeah
Inside my heart is breaking
My make-up may be flaking
But my smile still stays on
Whatever happens I'll leave it all to chance
Another heartache, another failed romance
On and on
Does anybody know what we are living for?
I guess I'm learning
I must be warmer now
I'll soon be turning round the corner now
Outside the dawn is breaking
But inside in the dark I'm aching to be free
The show must go on
The show must go on - yeah
Ooh inside my heart is breaking
My make-up may be flaking
But my smile still stays on
Yeah, oh oh oh
My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies
Fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die
I can fly - my friends
The show must go on - yeah
The show must go on
I'll face it with a grin
I'm never giving in
On with the show
I'll top the bill
I'll overkill
I have to fight the will to carry on
On with the
On with the show
The show must go on, go on, go on, go on ...
The day after my grandfather died, I dreamed about this song. I knew the song, but didn't pay much attention to it because I wasn't the "only lyrics kinda guy". From that night on I started to concentrate only on lyrics.
My grandfather was the only male around me while growing up, because my father died when I was 4. So you can call him my second father. I loved him very much, and his death made me cry like never before.
After I dreamed about this song I instantly got it on MP3 for I had only owned it on tape. I listened to it, and honestly, it was very hard to hold my emotions back:) I listen to it when I'm low and it helps me to get some power.
The death of my grandfather was 4 years ago on the 20th of November... Since then, The Show Must Go On from Queen has become my favorite song, not only because of my grandfather, but because I have the feeling that it is about me.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Honor
"They say, Japan was made by a sword. They say, that the old God's dipped a coral blade into the ocean, and when they pulled it out, four perfect drops fell back into the sea, and those drops became the islands of Japan. I say, Japan was made by a handful of brave men. Warriors willing to give their lives, for what has seems to become a forgotten word: HONOR..." - these are the starting thoughts of a film, which has shaped my personality the most, a film which I have seen many times, but still has a huge emotional impact on me every time I watch it, this film is... The Last Samurai.
How can we define Honor? I will try to observe it from 3 different aspects;
I. The Movie
II. The World of Today
III. Those, who TRY...
I.
The movie shows its intentions of what it is trying to say from the very beginning. Honor cannot be defined as a rule or anything else. It lives with us, in us. It is not a word, but a way of life, just like love... Honor is something more precious then human life itself. People who follow this code, have dedicated their lives and are willing to sacrifice it for this, as many would think, simple word.
It is about discipline and respect. Respect to your environment, and home. Respect to your loved ones and habits, but most importantly, respect to others, even to your enemies. Respect is not represented by only words, for a follower of this code says only what he must and knows that with each and every word he says he carries responsibility towards himself, and others. With your actions, however, you can say more than any other word, and with even your silence, you represent your values.
Defeat is unacceptable. On the battlefield you fall, but your life doesn't end in shame, but throughout your code and the way you have lived, you can close your eyes in peace, knowing that you died for what you believed in, and stood up for. The perfect death... to die with Honor.
II.
The movie says that today, Honor is a forgotten word. Is it? Or is it just silenced by policy and wealth, by people who care only about themselves, and don't even think abut others, not even once.
Honestly, I would like to believe that those claims are not true. In my opinion, Honor has become out of fashion. People show no respect towards each other, and favor their interests above anything else. Some show no respect even to themselves, and therefore become dishonest.
I am no one to judge, but if this is not the case, if the world we see hasn't become selfish and careless, then what?
III.
There are very few people out there who have dedicate their lives to the code of Honor, which can mean many different things to many individuals. There are few, or are they just in the pantomime?
Those who see some of these values and try to cope with them have a very hard life. Many people see them, but don't pay attention to them, because I know, that I am not the only one who saw the movie and was touched by it, still I can't find many other people thinking in a similar way. The movie didn't create this way of life, it has only showed it.
Honestly, those living with the code - as I named it - don't really want to make their voices heard, because who would wanna speak to ears, that cannot hear? Instead try to live their lives, as best as they can. Respect others, and themselves, and to not regret that, what they have said and done.
Still, things can get difficult, when you are declared a show-off. A dishonest person, who hides his face in a mask of arrogance and pride. Who has no heart and has no good will. Who cannot love and is a complete nobody, who thinks he is a somebody.
Who sometimes drops tears where nobody can see, who feels sorry for those who are in trouble and helps if possible. Who loves his friends like brothers and sacrifices himself without a word, so that they can have it easier. Who has something in him ready to be unleashed, not a soldier, but a warrior. Who says his prayers and asks for the same things every night; a new love, a new chance, a new world... a world in which the soul hasn't been replaced with the mind.
So you see it is hard :) Not too many people will read this entry, I guess. It is too long and the topic may not be of interests to everyone, but still I hope from the depths of my heart that some people will read and understand it, but yet again, I will not get too illusional and just keep on living my life like I did before.
I am in some way relaxed. I am happy that Baby on Board 2 - Father had won the "Entry of the Week" prize, because then, I won't have to listen to this entry in front of the whole class, 'cause I think that it would make an uncomfortable atmosphere arise.
Those who had the patience to read it, thank you. I hope I could give some advice or just make you spend some time and not be bored :)
How can we define Honor? I will try to observe it from 3 different aspects;
I. The Movie
II. The World of Today
III. Those, who TRY...
I.
The movie shows its intentions of what it is trying to say from the very beginning. Honor cannot be defined as a rule or anything else. It lives with us, in us. It is not a word, but a way of life, just like love... Honor is something more precious then human life itself. People who follow this code, have dedicated their lives and are willing to sacrifice it for this, as many would think, simple word.
It is about discipline and respect. Respect to your environment, and home. Respect to your loved ones and habits, but most importantly, respect to others, even to your enemies. Respect is not represented by only words, for a follower of this code says only what he must and knows that with each and every word he says he carries responsibility towards himself, and others. With your actions, however, you can say more than any other word, and with even your silence, you represent your values.
Defeat is unacceptable. On the battlefield you fall, but your life doesn't end in shame, but throughout your code and the way you have lived, you can close your eyes in peace, knowing that you died for what you believed in, and stood up for. The perfect death... to die with Honor.
II.
The movie says that today, Honor is a forgotten word. Is it? Or is it just silenced by policy and wealth, by people who care only about themselves, and don't even think abut others, not even once.
Honestly, I would like to believe that those claims are not true. In my opinion, Honor has become out of fashion. People show no respect towards each other, and favor their interests above anything else. Some show no respect even to themselves, and therefore become dishonest.
I am no one to judge, but if this is not the case, if the world we see hasn't become selfish and careless, then what?
III.
There are very few people out there who have dedicate their lives to the code of Honor, which can mean many different things to many individuals. There are few, or are they just in the pantomime?
Those who see some of these values and try to cope with them have a very hard life. Many people see them, but don't pay attention to them, because I know, that I am not the only one who saw the movie and was touched by it, still I can't find many other people thinking in a similar way. The movie didn't create this way of life, it has only showed it.
Honestly, those living with the code - as I named it - don't really want to make their voices heard, because who would wanna speak to ears, that cannot hear? Instead try to live their lives, as best as they can. Respect others, and themselves, and to not regret that, what they have said and done.
Still, things can get difficult, when you are declared a show-off. A dishonest person, who hides his face in a mask of arrogance and pride. Who has no heart and has no good will. Who cannot love and is a complete nobody, who thinks he is a somebody.
Who sometimes drops tears where nobody can see, who feels sorry for those who are in trouble and helps if possible. Who loves his friends like brothers and sacrifices himself without a word, so that they can have it easier. Who has something in him ready to be unleashed, not a soldier, but a warrior. Who says his prayers and asks for the same things every night; a new love, a new chance, a new world... a world in which the soul hasn't been replaced with the mind.
So you see it is hard :) Not too many people will read this entry, I guess. It is too long and the topic may not be of interests to everyone, but still I hope from the depths of my heart that some people will read and understand it, but yet again, I will not get too illusional and just keep on living my life like I did before.
I am in some way relaxed. I am happy that Baby on Board 2 - Father had won the "Entry of the Week" prize, because then, I won't have to listen to this entry in front of the whole class, 'cause I think that it would make an uncomfortable atmosphere arise.
Those who had the patience to read it, thank you. I hope I could give some advice or just make you spend some time and not be bored :)
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Baby on Board 2 - Father
She's gone! Rebeca is gone, and maybe for good. She and her family moved to England. The only chance of me seeing her is if I went to England myself. Which is easier sad than done. According to plan; I'm gonna go there for 1 month and stay with them and work. They say that if you can speak good English and stuff it is easier to get a well paid job. I'm planning to come home with a big stash of doe.
But enough of that and let's get back to the finishing part of Baby on Board. While Rebus was with us she grew to my heart, but only as a relative, but as a baby. I've been imagining myself as a father for some time saying that I would do this and that and say that and this, but it wasn't until now that I realized that I am far from being a GOOD Father. Making a baby is easy, even satisfying, and you don't have to pay much attention to it if it's there you just give food and shelter, some couple of tips for life and that's it. Well, if you think it is that easy then you are a fucking bad parent, or gonna be:D
Having a baby and helping him grow up isn't only responsibility, it is much more than that. You have to realize that each and every thing you do will affect the baby's life. With your actions you can make him a low-life, or a responsible adult. Now comes my problem; I do not have the proper wisdom and the right words to say, yet. It would take me another 10 years to be in perfect shape for this kinda thing. It is then till I have enough experience and intelligence to help my child and show the right path, to teach it manners, to be responsible, to do some kind of sport (I'd prefer football), to respect other people and to stand up for his rights, to be an honest person and to never do things in which he cannot be himself.
But enough of that and let's get back to the finishing part of Baby on Board. While Rebus was with us she grew to my heart, but only as a relative, but as a baby. I've been imagining myself as a father for some time saying that I would do this and that and say that and this, but it wasn't until now that I realized that I am far from being a GOOD Father. Making a baby is easy, even satisfying, and you don't have to pay much attention to it if it's there you just give food and shelter, some couple of tips for life and that's it. Well, if you think it is that easy then you are a fucking bad parent, or gonna be:D
Having a baby and helping him grow up isn't only responsibility, it is much more than that. You have to realize that each and every thing you do will affect the baby's life. With your actions you can make him a low-life, or a responsible adult. Now comes my problem; I do not have the proper wisdom and the right words to say, yet. It would take me another 10 years to be in perfect shape for this kinda thing. It is then till I have enough experience and intelligence to help my child and show the right path, to teach it manners, to be responsible, to do some kind of sport (I'd prefer football), to respect other people and to stand up for his rights, to be an honest person and to never do things in which he cannot be himself.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Uncomfortable Silence?
I don't know whether I'm imagining this or it is true, but I got the feeling that some people don't, in particular, consider me friendly or think that I'm rude, or just a show off.
I got a hunch; small talk. It is true that I am not that small talk kind'a guy, for I'd rather sit and listen or not even pay attention, than to join in. This has a rather simple reason, avoiding a very unpleasant feeling, uncomfortable silence. I hate it. When you are through telling each other’s daily routine, then comes what? Ask the question: What are you doing this weekend? C'mon... :)
I enjoy silence. I believe that words are not always needed. I am a talker none the less, but I'd rather tell a couple of bad jokes or stories from my life, then express my physical condition or to share ideas of the weather forecast. You know, there are times, when silence can seem louder than any other scream...
I don't wanna be rude, nor offend anybody, please forgive me if I offend anyone with this, that would be my last intention. It is just that... maybe this whole entry has no reason, maybe I'm overreacting, or maybe I'm generalizing or God knows what? My point is: Is small talk good? Is it worth talking about everything, but still nothing? Or am I just talking stupid things?
any help... ?
Baby on Board
My cousin and her husband went to London for 1 or 2 weeks (depending on how they feel). They asked my mother whether she would take care of their little baby, Rebeca. My mother immediately accepted this rather charming offer, 'cause she is a nurse and her job is to help babies to come to this world.
This all happened from last Friday till this Sunday. The first day was ... interesting. The baby was adorable. Rebus always smiles, even to strangers, but she especially laughs when I'm there, and I still haven't decided whether she is laughing with me, or on me. She doesn't really like it when I'm holding her, to be frank, she can't stand it. She would rather go to my granny than to stay with me, not to mention my mother. I think that Rebus thinks that my mom is her mom too. Strange, isn't it? She would crawl through the whole house just to get to her and make mom hold her. Once she tried to crawl after my mom when mommy was on the toilet. - ???
Well, whatever, I was home 'till Monday so I didn't have the chance to get into this baby thing, but by last Sunday she really liked me. She played with me, but still wouldn't let me hold her. Every time I tried holding her she would start making faces and nearly crying, then my mother takes her, Rebus looks at me, and smiles. Then my mother used to say: "laugh at David..." - she really starts laughing :D She is really making fun of me, but still, sooooooo cute:)
to be continued...
Friday, October 17, 2008
Nightmare
It's been a loooong time since I've had a nightmare. I can't even recall it. I'm working right now... night shift... (I work at Pannon Hotel*** in Mohács as a receptionist). At night shifts I usually sleep for a couple of hours from 1 or 2 am till 5 am. The same system happened today, too, but at the end of my dream I started losing control... in my dream I had woken up and found a second receptionist with me - ????? - and he wasn't very friendly. We talked and some guests came to check in. When all of a sudden I sensed something strange... it was gettin darker and darker and I felt a certain evilness within that man. Ha became less and less human and the world around me was fading and I was very,very, very afraid. Then I woke up... at least I thought I had woken up... the dream continued (It seems it didn't wanna let me go). So in the second part of my dream I thought that I was awake. I tried to turn on the lights, but they wouldn't work. Electricity had disappeared, but only from places I was present at. I ran to the entrance and I opened the door... I could see people walking up and down and they were looking at me as if I were crazy or something for I was terrified and in panic. I wanted to run away, but I couldn't leave my post. I closed the door and tried the lights again. The lamp gave me only a minimum of light. That's when I saw that some plant was running down the walls of the whole hotel. I tried to turn on other lights (not only the one at the reception), but I didn't succeed. I remember me saying: "If I'm awake, then how is this happening?". I could feel the presence of the other "receptionist"... I could not see him, but I knew that he was the one behind all this. I ran to the door again (please note that I was screaming all the time and my heart was beating as fast as an express train). I opened it and saw the same people staring at me. I turned back and saw my college on a chopper... his face was pale and his eyes glowing red. He looked at me with a delighted smile and started his black chopper and began going towards me. I didn't run away... I have a philosophy of dying with dignity... I ran straight at him... I landed a punch in his face with my right hand, but I still got ran over, though. I woke up... this time for real... I was numb. I couldn't move, I just stared in front of me whilst feeling my heart beating up my chest from the inside... I got up and turned on the lights, and thank God they were working. I sat down and was still under the shock of this experience. Then I decided to read my e-mails and found Joe's letter and ... here I am... it is 6:22 am. I gonna be working till 4 pm, but I'm gonna carry this nightmare with me throughout the whole day... end
hmmmmmm
This is the second blog I've made. Anyway, I can only make a new blog entry at the weekends. I will try to make meaningful entries and not tell you about my daily routine. Sorry for my lack of words... I've just woken up from a nightmare, which I haven't had for years. I'll tell you about it later...
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